Preemptive and Incorrect Umbrella Useage

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There is one very specific time when it is acceptable to use an umbrella: when it’s actually raining. Not misting, not drizzling, not when you get too much Visine in your eye and get confused, but legit your-underwear-and-shoes-will-be-soaked rain.Once this happy occasion does arise, act like you’ve got some sense with your umbrella. Perhaps give it a few test openings pre-rain so you don’t stand in the middle of the sidewalk wondering how by the hammer of Thor does this dang thing work, while intelligent life tries to exist all around you.


Furthermore, your umbrella does not make you invisible, nor does it render other people who are experiencing the exact same thing immaterial. I understand that umbrellas restrict your vision. So do baseball hats, enormous sunglasses (on the List) and eating a hot dog (also on the list – ed.). Somehow those people retain their ability to walk. With umbrellas users, basic cognizance is reduced to a whimpering, sad, pitiful half-thought when them big rain drops try to ruin your day.


Just get it together. You know who else can manage to walk down the street without bumping into people every five seconds? Blind people. That’s right. People who have the biggest excuse of them all. See, they have these sticks they run back and forth over the ground to make sure there is nothing in front of them. Seeing people have them too. They are called your eyes. Use them.

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