Fat Ugly Male Sexual Entitlement

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That’s not really the best part of the story though. The absolutely hilarious, newsworthy part of the story, if you listen to sports radio, or read tabloids like the Post or celebrity gossip sites like Deadspin (oof, oof and oof on all three and eff my life for being the type of person who does) is — you ready for this? — the girl in question DOESN’T EVEN LOOK LIKE A MODEL? Can you believe the nerve of these two average looking people for fucking!? LOL.

This shit is blowing my mind. Apparently regular people have sex. I had no idea. Based upon all my experience with sex, which admittedly comes largely from the internet and fantasy land scenarios based on crayon sketches I did back in elementary school, I had assumed sex only occurred between beautiful people and strippers with fake tits. Occasionally with various X-Men characters and girls with pegged pants and Champion sweatshirts too, but that’s a whole other thing I don’t have time to get into right now.

The biggest offenders are the disgusting, fat, middle-aged sausage-neck neanderthals on sports radio calling in to make light of the girl’s appearance. Wonder what most of these tail-gating sub shop ogres look like? Somehow I doubt it’s pretty.

I don’t want to seem like a moral scold here, or god forbid, a whiny ass politically correct pussy, and it really doesn’t seem like I should have to say this, but here’s the deal, gentlemen: every time a woman comes up in conversation or appears on tv or on an internet article you do not have to reflexively comment on her vis a vis her potential relationship to your tiny boner. I know it’s probably hard to wrap your cheese- and pepperoni-riddled brain around, but the primary function of every woman on earth isn’t to star in your masturbatory fantasies. (Except that one bartender at the sports pub you go to that’s twenty years younger than you. She’s totally into you dude. What are you waiting for?)

No this shit isn’t funny, but it’s most definitely on the List.

OK, sorry, sermon over. Let’s get back to making fart jokes and ripping on the way people’s superficial peccadilloes annoy us again.