Being Offended by Mom Jokes


I love my mom. I love her because she is great. I love her because she did wonderful things for me and in general is a wonderful person to everyone else.

But I’ve been in a car, in a mall, in line at a grocery store, at the beach… and not all moms are created equal. Moms have cut me off, cut me in line, blown smoke in my face, dug through their purse for a pen for too long, answered their cell phone in a movie theater and any number of other things on the List. They’re equally as annoying as the rest of the personnel of this planet and the fact that they pushed a few brats out doesn’t change that. Loving your own mom is one thing, but being universally offended by any wrongdoing to someone else’s mom is another.

Moms are the focus this week for two reasons: Mother’s Day is fast approaching, and the big story in sports news is how the GM of the Miami Dolphins decided to ask Dez Bryant, potential player and future employee if his family life makes him somehow ineligible to earn 40 million guaranteed dollars over the next few years. He basically asked the dude whether or not his mother is a whore. Woops.

Do I defend the “Is your mother a prostitute?” question posed to Bryant on the eve of the NFL draft?
No. But do I scoff at it like I would if the Dolphins took the ball up the field for 6 against the linebacker-less Patriots? Hell no. That gridiron offense gets my blood boiling more than a “your mother is so fat…” joke.

This kid’s mom has been in and out of prison, and could, as tough as this may be for anyone in the world to hear, be a giant pain in the ass to a potential employer. This isn’t a white collar job. This is a job where a player’s baggage is likely to be the number one influence on his potential performance. All of these athletes are beyond world class athletically, they have to be judged and nitpicked in a way that we aren’t used to.

Nobody has ever asked me if my mom was a prostitute at a job interview because nobody has ever offered me 40 million dollars before. If they were going to offer me that I wouldn’t care if they asked me if my mom was a dude. A dude named Hitler. My answer would be no. She isn’t and never has been. Not that I know of.

That was easy, right? Am I offended the Dolphins asked? Who cares if I am? If I don’t like the question, I don’t have to work for you. If Dez doesn’t like the question, then don’t work for the Dolphins.

The notion that men who follow sports are outraged beyond belief at this question is absolutely hilarious. Hilarious. Think about the last time you genuinely did something good for your own mom, then ask yourself if you really have the right to be mad that someone else’s mom was wronged. We don’t respect women, pretty much ever, so why start now?

We treat women like crap all the time. Tiger Woods merchandise had a phenomenal selling week during the Masters. Ben Roethlisberger jerseys will be in the top ten again at some point before his time in this league is through. The Dolphins GM asked if this kid’s mom was a prostitute, and I personally think it is stupid, but the reality is I see moms on the street every day, they aren’t exactly a rare species of endangered magic butterflies. I don’t live my life acting as if they are irreproachably precious every other day of the year, so why start pretending now.

I wonder what Bryant’s answer was to the question was anyway?

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